Dispatches: Talent Scouting in the Guatemalish jungle

Some time ago Keep Off sent our runner “Sunshine” (aka Tiffany) Palmer, to scout talent and locations and along the way live out her dream of casting aside western commercialism to “empower the earnest indigenous people”. Here's her report. 

By Sunshine Palmer
Ohmygod, I am having the totally coolest trip. I’ve been staying at this cute coastal village in the jungle that is totally poor and completely free of commercial products. No TV and no vending machines! Awesome!

The other week I assisted my host family by teaching them unique methods to eat wholesome, organic vegetarian foods. I did all the prep work myself: soaking the beans overnight, drain, cooking on an open pit fire for 12 hours, then mix in other fibrous vegetation for another two-and-three-quarters days, simmer just a smidge to release the toxins, purify the chakras, then serve.

But no, they gave their starving daughter beef! How dare they! I spent four days digging for nutritious, fibrous roots from under the rain forest canopy, and harvesting beans and this is how they show their appreciation — by passing me a burger?!

Needless to say, I bolted from that cesspool. I left that family and found a quaint village and it was located closer to the mountain range, where the rain pours harder (acid rain, for sure). Anyway, I was told that it was the local custom to give a new host family a gift, so I presented them with an honourary chicken because they apparently held it in high regard. Well, they ate it!

Their five-year-old son has had his insides polluted forever by toxins and hormones injected in that foul bird. I couldn’t stop crying. They tried to cheer me up (they thought I was mentally ill) but I was in no mood. I just slept on a hammock for days while they pretended to ignore me by working from dawn to dusk in the fields.

A week later, I lectured them on greedy multinational corporations. The host family was very thankful. In fact, they encouraged me to give more lectures to families who they said needed me more. I excitedly left the following morning. My host family said my work was too important (at least that is what I think they said since I don’t speak Guatemalish), and so I took their advice and left that evening by donkey.

Thanks to me, they were very, very happy when I left.